Step-monster?

[Dr. Nash Fang]

Dear Dr. Fang,

Alright. So, get this, I have a sire of my own, right? And my sire just so happens to have a partner. Crazy, right?

The only thing is this partner bound seems to like to play the role of sire towards me and my sire's other childe. What could be the problem, here, right? Well, This partner only seems to play parent as far as scoldings are concerned "I'm going to zero you if you do this, or that"

And, sure, she's my sire's partner, but she's not MY sire. I think if you're going to play parent play it all the way, don't just threaten to zero us when the chips are down.

So, in essence, my question is, am I wrong in thinking this?

-<Insert Clever Name Here>


Dear Red-haired Step Childe:

I could go on for nights and not cover all the permutations of family/bloodline relationships in the fair city of RavenBlack. However, you’ve specifically asked about your sire’s partner, so we will stick to that aspect.

Ask yourself if perhaps your sire and the partner could be playing good cop/bad cop? Is the partner only taking the punitive role because your sire only handles rewards? This is not necessarily the way I would handle it, since it leaves the partner up for all the bad feelings from your sire’s childer.

Did your sire recently take this vampire as a partner? Sometimes someone new may walk in to a situation, and assume that threats are the way to command respect. If this is the case, did your sire introduce you and any other childer to the partner before the binding? Usually, that’s the best way to get to know someone; before the bonds are made.

I ask these questions so that perhaps you can put yourself in the perspective of the partner. Sometimes, trying to figure out what a vampire feels in a given situation can help you come to a resolution.

Of course, my tried and true way is this: have you had an open discussion with both your sire and the partner present? One of the worst things you can do in this situation is to constantly complain to your sire, yet never express your views to the partner. Childer can certainly drive a wedge between two otherwise well-matched partners.

Now, you are your own vampire of course, and I don’t know how much input your sire had with you as you were growing into your power in the city. If you are a fully powered vampire in your own right, and your sire has never been one for threats, it can rankle when someone else tries to step into the role of sire. I don’t blame you for resenting such heavy-handed methods.

So, a note to those who have childer, and are planning to bond at some point: have this discussion first. Try to decide how each of you react to each other’s childer. Is it hands off, anything goes, or somewhere in between? I can cite examples of couples for each of these options, so there isn’t just one way to do things.

Readers?

Sincerely,

Dr. Nash Fang

[Bug Merovingian]

In most situations of personal interaction, heavy handedness seldom works and this is especially true within the family unit.

Heavy handedness does not gain true loyalty It may gain the semblance of it, or even temporary obedience. One thing for certain is it tends to breed resentment. This is not conducive for a safe and comfortable familial setting. Family should be relied upon in any given situation, But, when resentment comes to be present, reliability is not to be found. Resentment often breeds mistrust. Which happens to be another bane of many relationships, whether it be a clan, personal, friend, or familial relationship.

If I were to find myself in this situation I would try to gather all necessary parties together and talk it through. Failing that, I would leave. For I am of the mind, that if a sire knowingly allows mistreatment of his/her childe they have made the choice of who is of greater import to him/her.

[Idony]

I've been fortunate enough to have never come across parental-y partners or excessive ones, via families or acquaintances. But in general terms, the best thing to do is indeed to talk. Generally, if a sire or sire's partner tries to intimidate you into doing or not doing something, it is because they have the illusion - more or less founded - of control over your person. If a childe has little pocket money or little blood, of course they aren't going to sever themselves, right? They probably would have nowhere to go and no one to protect them; so it's an emotional and mental free-for-all, with the childer being the buffet.
But you should make them see that you are not so lacking in personality and voice your attitude towards what you consider to be mistreatment. Like Bug said, if that doesn't work, sever.
And before you start letting fear seep in you, in the event in which your sire isn't a benevolent person either, keep this motto in mind: "Don't think. Try."

[Arallara]

This is a wonderful question and Nash, nice job answering. The most important thing is communication between all parties and having a plan in place from the start. Childer need structure and look to their sires for it, if it is not offered confusion and resentment ensue.

This isn't saying that your childer should decide who you can and cannot bind to, simply that knowing their feelings is an important step to deciding how things will be. Once you know their feelings the potential partner-bounds need to sit down and discuss how they want to handle situations which may or may not arise. Don't leave everything to the last minute...don't wait until it is happening.

[nitenurse]

The other situation that was not addressed in the answer was if the sire was already bound when they chose to come into the family. In that case, certainly a discussion about the role to be played by the partner is in order. That is simply a matter of respect. You, as the childe, need to respect the bond that is already there and if the agreement between your sire and the partner is that the other is the disciplinarian, or both are, then that's the way it is.

And yes, I speak from experience... both as a childe and as a sire..

[seyda]

Nov 6, 2008 16:23:30 GMT -8 nitenurse said:

and if the agreement between your sire and the partner is that the other is the disciplinarian, or both are, then that's the way it is.

Pretty much. The way the family unit is structured is very important. Does each sire treat their families as separate entities only joined through their binding? Or are both sides of each sire's family considered one and the same and are sharing the same name and ideals?

If the family is the former, then I could understand frustration when the partner comes through carrying the big stick. However, if the family is the latter, then the childer needs to get over themselves and understand that the family unit is much larger than their personal connection to one vampire.

For example, I am not the sole matriarch of my bloodline. That title is shared with my wife, and all of our childer are aware of that fact. Each of our direct childer are more than aware that any insolence towards the other just won't be tolerated, because Asmia's word is as strong as Seyda's and vice versa. If she and I disagree about something, we just beat each other to a bloody pulp privately and whoever is standing wins their point.

Granted, this is much more easily pulled off because we didn't really have the bloodline when she and I got together. I could see it being insanely difficult for pre-existing childer to all of a sudden be put in a situation where they're expected to listen to the new spouse. Which, to me, would be an inappropriate presentation from the current sire, but that's a topic for another day..

[Bambi]

I love me step-sire

*grins*

She gives me money

[Elektra]

Nov 7, 2008 4:43:47 GMT -8 seyda said:

If she and I disagree about something, we just beat each other to a bloody pulp privately and whoever is standing wins their point.

I like that idea! ;D

[Josephine]

But Sedya Obby likes holy water...that won't work for me *pouts and giggles giving a wave to the grandmother-in-law* Obby and I don't hold our lines apart. I do request that he speak with me about my childer and any issue he may have with them before taking punishment into his hands. Still, he does both punish and reward as a parent just as I do. I am there for his childer and he is there for mine.

I think in a way this benefits the childer in the long run. It gives them two parents to turn to and know they will both be listened to and gain advice. Added in Majica is such a wonderful 'grandmother' to both sides to add into the family feeling.

[Errah Dragolescu]

Both Raven and myself consider our children OURS. no matter who they're sired under. We love them the same, we treat them the same. If they do something wrong, generally we both give them a talking to--as a couple, as a family. And I certainly hope that they all think of us both as mothers--not just their MOTHER and her Bound. I, personally, don't like seperation along sire-lines. I consider Fador and Shadow mine just as much as I consider Danica and Gyrich mine. I have no problems loving on, or beating on either set

Anyway-- what I mean to say is good on you Nash. Valid questions. And something every family and potential family should consider discussing.

[seyda]

Nov 7, 2008 23:33:33 GMT -8 Josephine said:

But Sedya Obby likes holy water...that won't work for me *pouts and giggles giving a wave to the grandmother-in-law* Obby and I don't hold our lines apart. I do request that he speak with me about my childer and any issue he may have with them before taking punishment into his hands. Still, he does both punish and reward as a parent just as I do. I am there for his childer and he is there for mine.

I think in a way this benefits the childer in the long run. It gives them two parents to turn to and know they will both be listened to and gain advice. Added in Majica is such a wonderful 'grandmother' to both sides to add into the family feeling.

Punish?

Interesting concept...

[Rykoth]

I don't understand in the first place why people use terms like "step" or "parents." Nobody here is a kid, and nobody gave physical birth to a vampire in the first place.

It is quite simple cut and dry.

You respect you sire - because they either turned you thinking you might have had potential as a vampire, or they "re-sired you" because they felt they could guide you.

If you don't respect your sire and the law of your line, you deserve every ass kicking you get. And if a sire is too weak to put their foot down, they deserve to be overthrown. Law of the jungle, this isn't the Disney Channel on Human TV.

[Idony]

Generalisation almost always leads to errors.

[Sia]

I view my sire and his partner as a family. I count Krilee's childer as my brothers just as I think of Bug's other childe. So I understand when she wishes to have her say in things that concern me and vice versa. I know that I can express my opinions as well.

I sired under Bug after they were already bound and I understand that I am not always on the first place. I think it's something every childe has to think about. Usually their sire's unlife doesn't circle around them all the time and there are things they have to be independent about.

[Krilee]

I feel communication, honesty and NO DRAMA go a long way within a family.

I would hope that Bug would reprimand my boys if they were out of line as I would his girls.

Regardless, I love all four of our children equally. I take no favorites.