Post by sade on Jun 7, 2009 20:18:12 GMT -8
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Imagine you're a novel(no a porno magazine is not a novel even one with 1/3 of text cannot be called a novel). Part romance, part mystery, part B-list horror. If you want to increase the number of steamy pages (read steam pages as err sex yes hawt steamy sex with different partners and positions hmm positions)between your covers, you'll need to start making your own plotlines(and those of you with little more imagination than tab b into slot c and slide in and out or slot c against slot c and rub, or tab b against tab b .am I being to graphical you need to make it scalding hot) and conjure up some serious dialogue this summer. Start small; by picking out a love interest (your vampires for fucks sake stalk someone). Oh, wait. You're already one step ahead of me! June is the month to get your butt in the car (or get some butt in the car) for a little road trip so the novel of your life contains some travel and adventure, too.(and hawt travel sex)
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
That's right, Pisces is in the house this month! And in the closet (ohh my closet dweller), the garage, the bathroom and the kitchen. I suggest you declare yourself Vampiric Queen/King of the Zodiac and have a parade for yourself(hmm floats and marching girls damn hawt). It will usher a new wellspring of cockiness. Your newfound energy and enthusiasm is infectious (just like that rash go see a Dr ok really there is some ointment for that sort of thing), infect your friends (sounds like friends with benefits to me)your radar is clear of any Arquillian Battle Cruiser this month just watch out for the Corillian Death Ray? Energy levels have been a worry but have no fear, your energy this summer will eclipse the moon. If your friends can't get their butts in gear, there's really only one way to cope with such slackerdom: (kill them please say kill them) Bribery. Use it as a last resort.(now that’s just wrong)
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If you put up with anymore shit this month I'm seriously going to suggest you invest in a big pair of rubber boots and start calling yourself a pig farmer(and I’m going to buy you a butt plug). What is it with vampires lately and their obsession with mud-slinging crapfests? Until your name is on the I’m running for prince of the city ballot, declare your life a rumour-free zone (well apart from the rumours of interns cigars and toilets err sorry I’m dreaming again). If people want to take potshots at you, tell them to do it to your face or get a new hobby (pot shots like holy water and garlic spray). Then take a well-deserved vacation mid-summer and to hell with 'em.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
A recent poll shows that 65% of Taurusions are undecided (I wonder what it is they can’t decide upon). One of my Taurus girlfriends told me last week she felt "very unsure" about her future( imagine having an entire clan watching where you move had something to do with that). Any how on with the scope have you ever had an ice-cream headache? Or had a massive toothache (that’s got to be bad when your a vampire) from chewing on Pablo? Well, that's your month in a nutshell! Bye!(What what what no sex no innuendo no in your end o, what the fuck sort of horoscope is this. Fuck I’m going to kill someone soon)
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
The ill-fated Southern writer Ambrose Bierce once said that beauty is "the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." Ya'll know all mysteriously dead Southern writers are telling the truth about beauty. That is a fact. Attraction could launch a thousand vampire warriors, stop a clock and at the same time drive a vampire mad.(it has also lead to a lot of stalking hmm I can see you) This has always fascinated me (me too I love to stalk). Everyone within a ten-mile reach of a Gemini this month will get a taste of attraction (looks like I’m going to be busy this month my pretty little Geminis)or an attractive taste, since you have the charm and beauty planets aligning in your favour.(get out there find your special boy/girl ok zombie)
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Ever get the feeling you uninvited house guest has stayed to long, (well they have kick the unwanted swine out of your house life or bank account. Its tiring isn’t it putting up with all this unwanted shit). Not only that but they answer the phone and don’t write messages down basically screw with your life enough i say kick them to the curb and get ready for a new boyfriend/ girlfriend zombie its time to make sweet love (hmm sweet i like rough and biting scratching) but first remember to kick that old unwanted house guest or they are going to hang around like the smell of old fish(OMG nothing is like that smell).in July throw a party, for the FAREWELL BASTARD GUEST.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Your forecast is actually quite simple, not only for the month of June but for the whole damn rest of the year – and don’t even think about corresponding I’m burning any mail you send so suck it up and take it like the big bad vampire you are. What you have to do for the rest of the year is simple. Be proactive Yell out loud, ask questions, say "Yes" when you mean YES and "No" when you mean NO.(sometimes No does not mean NO hmmmm well in vampire speak any how) Work hard be a heavy hitter for the rest of the month it will be worth your effort(oh yeah when they say how many holy water you threw say 20 and i loved it) ... don't wait for the phone to ring. Instead, try this really ancient Chinese secret: pick up the phone yourself and make the call. Ask for what you need.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Some people get really fixated on little things(i do not have a small thang sheesh). Sometimes we all see things that are not important but we blow them out of proportion, little things not able to be seen with the naked eye, but ever present and totally annoying. Sound familiar? Your fixations and anxiety are your choice -- don't while away your time and energy this month trying to eliminate a million tiny worries. Instead try this: Pick one big worry, walk up to it and smash it in the face and chop its head off hmm holy water its arse then all small problems go away(now this is more like my sort of horoscope death kill maim), With two perfectly aligned full moons in the next six weeks, you're going to have more exciting offers than you can shake a stick at, (beating with a stick sound pretty good to me ) one offer will be romantic and long-term the other will be hot thrusty and lurid jump them both its fun.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
If I had to associate you with a summer movie right now, we'd probably be showing a cross between National Lampoon's Vacation and Jaws 3 (in 3-D no less!) Far be it for me to suggesting you'll be attacked by a shark driving a station wagon(where the hell did the shark get a licence from and the money to buy a car not to mention learn the road rules damn I’m staying away from the beach and mad scientist types), I'm just saying that you'll have your fair share of travel and adventure (travel sex i hope too is there anything better) before summer is out and a whole lot of teeth chewing your leg off . There will be some challenges to your plans that may lead to a slight June Gloom,(well having your leg chewed off by a shark would make any June be filled with fucken Gloom) but by mid-July you will be able to look back and laugh it all off (in 3-D, no less!)(see a happy ending and road sex too)
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Count up your coins, ya'll, because the mantra this month is "money." Or, rather, the total lack thereof. Don't even bother looking through that catalogue –of new potions and glass vials and put the mouse down right now! Bad eBay, bad! Relegate your credit cards to the underwear drawer (you won’t find it there cause you don’t wear underwear) for all of June or you'll be crying in your generic brand blood come July. Cheer up, summer is one of the few times it's easy to be broke -- the great outdoors is calling,(you can learn that new stalking power) and it requires fewer clothes(damn sounds like a hawt Sumer of sex love and rock an roll). Plus, Mars is moving on in and making you feel all healthy and energetic so the money crunch won't feel like a complete squirrel grip.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that strategy you've developed for dealing with your life when it seems peculiarly murky and incomprehensible? (hmm the one where you get drunk)The one where you lock yourself up in your room with the covers pulled up to your head and watch reruns of "Gilligan’s island" while groaning from time to time? I hate to be the one to tell you, but your plan won't work this month. The reason? Your friends wont let you hide away, you need to be alive and kicking! Crawl out of hiding, grab a notebook and a pen and plant yourself somewhere outdoors this month for serious contemplate-your-navel time(or contemplate your neighbours navel time hmm pretty soft ohh lickable). Don't miss the opportunity to soak in what you think you're missing. By July 16th you won't even remember " Gilligan’s island really!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Next to Cancer, ya'll have had the worst time with that shitheel of a house guest. It's especially drained your emotional fuel tank these past few weeks. The cost for filling up your Cappy engine can be exorbitant (not to mention your pantry aren’t house guests supposed to pay their way or at least put something towards the house a few bottle of blood world not go astray tell them someone at the front door of the house and kick them in the arse when they open it and change the locks. On holidays this summer take an alternate route date someone older younger same sex different sex you won't be disappointed. Capricorns will be able to see clearly, breathe deeply, enjoy the scenery and maybe even love a little.(or just use the bit of 4 X 2 and have sex more often) I can see a road ahead that is marked with gratifying pit stops and unlimited sex. There will be people along the way who may be asking for a free ride invite them in no rides for free, Capricorn. Trust your internal navigation system and you'll get unlimited miles per gallon.(and plenty hawt unnatural and natural sex)
Imagine you're a novel(no a porno magazine is not a novel even one with 1/3 of text cannot be called a novel). Part romance, part mystery, part B-list horror. If you want to increase the number of steamy pages (read steam pages as err sex yes hawt steamy sex with different partners and positions hmm positions)between your covers, you'll need to start making your own plotlines(and those of you with little more imagination than tab b into slot c and slide in and out or slot c against slot c and rub, or tab b against tab b .am I being to graphical you need to make it scalding hot) and conjure up some serious dialogue this summer. Start small; by picking out a love interest (your vampires for fucks sake stalk someone). Oh, wait. You're already one step ahead of me! June is the month to get your butt in the car (or get some butt in the car) for a little road trip so the novel of your life contains some travel and adventure, too.(and hawt travel sex)
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
That's right, Pisces is in the house this month! And in the closet (ohh my closet dweller), the garage, the bathroom and the kitchen. I suggest you declare yourself Vampiric Queen/King of the Zodiac and have a parade for yourself(hmm floats and marching girls damn hawt). It will usher a new wellspring of cockiness. Your newfound energy and enthusiasm is infectious (just like that rash go see a Dr ok really there is some ointment for that sort of thing), infect your friends (sounds like friends with benefits to me)your radar is clear of any Arquillian Battle Cruiser this month just watch out for the Corillian Death Ray? Energy levels have been a worry but have no fear, your energy this summer will eclipse the moon. If your friends can't get their butts in gear, there's really only one way to cope with such slackerdom: (kill them please say kill them) Bribery. Use it as a last resort.(now that’s just wrong)
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If you put up with anymore shit this month I'm seriously going to suggest you invest in a big pair of rubber boots and start calling yourself a pig farmer(and I’m going to buy you a butt plug). What is it with vampires lately and their obsession with mud-slinging crapfests? Until your name is on the I’m running for prince of the city ballot, declare your life a rumour-free zone (well apart from the rumours of interns cigars and toilets err sorry I’m dreaming again). If people want to take potshots at you, tell them to do it to your face or get a new hobby (pot shots like holy water and garlic spray). Then take a well-deserved vacation mid-summer and to hell with 'em.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
A recent poll shows that 65% of Taurusions are undecided (I wonder what it is they can’t decide upon). One of my Taurus girlfriends told me last week she felt "very unsure" about her future( imagine having an entire clan watching where you move had something to do with that). Any how on with the scope have you ever had an ice-cream headache? Or had a massive toothache (that’s got to be bad when your a vampire) from chewing on Pablo? Well, that's your month in a nutshell! Bye!(What what what no sex no innuendo no in your end o, what the fuck sort of horoscope is this. Fuck I’m going to kill someone soon)
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
The ill-fated Southern writer Ambrose Bierce once said that beauty is "the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." Ya'll know all mysteriously dead Southern writers are telling the truth about beauty. That is a fact. Attraction could launch a thousand vampire warriors, stop a clock and at the same time drive a vampire mad.(it has also lead to a lot of stalking hmm I can see you) This has always fascinated me (me too I love to stalk). Everyone within a ten-mile reach of a Gemini this month will get a taste of attraction (looks like I’m going to be busy this month my pretty little Geminis)or an attractive taste, since you have the charm and beauty planets aligning in your favour.(get out there find your special boy/girl ok zombie)
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Ever get the feeling you uninvited house guest has stayed to long, (well they have kick the unwanted swine out of your house life or bank account. Its tiring isn’t it putting up with all this unwanted shit). Not only that but they answer the phone and don’t write messages down basically screw with your life enough i say kick them to the curb and get ready for a new boyfriend/ girlfriend zombie its time to make sweet love (hmm sweet i like rough and biting scratching) but first remember to kick that old unwanted house guest or they are going to hang around like the smell of old fish(OMG nothing is like that smell).in July throw a party, for the FAREWELL BASTARD GUEST.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Your forecast is actually quite simple, not only for the month of June but for the whole damn rest of the year – and don’t even think about corresponding I’m burning any mail you send so suck it up and take it like the big bad vampire you are. What you have to do for the rest of the year is simple. Be proactive Yell out loud, ask questions, say "Yes" when you mean YES and "No" when you mean NO.(sometimes No does not mean NO hmmmm well in vampire speak any how) Work hard be a heavy hitter for the rest of the month it will be worth your effort(oh yeah when they say how many holy water you threw say 20 and i loved it) ... don't wait for the phone to ring. Instead, try this really ancient Chinese secret: pick up the phone yourself and make the call. Ask for what you need.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Some people get really fixated on little things(i do not have a small thang sheesh). Sometimes we all see things that are not important but we blow them out of proportion, little things not able to be seen with the naked eye, but ever present and totally annoying. Sound familiar? Your fixations and anxiety are your choice -- don't while away your time and energy this month trying to eliminate a million tiny worries. Instead try this: Pick one big worry, walk up to it and smash it in the face and chop its head off hmm holy water its arse then all small problems go away(now this is more like my sort of horoscope death kill maim), With two perfectly aligned full moons in the next six weeks, you're going to have more exciting offers than you can shake a stick at, (beating with a stick sound pretty good to me ) one offer will be romantic and long-term the other will be hot thrusty and lurid jump them both its fun.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
If I had to associate you with a summer movie right now, we'd probably be showing a cross between National Lampoon's Vacation and Jaws 3 (in 3-D no less!) Far be it for me to suggesting you'll be attacked by a shark driving a station wagon(where the hell did the shark get a licence from and the money to buy a car not to mention learn the road rules damn I’m staying away from the beach and mad scientist types), I'm just saying that you'll have your fair share of travel and adventure (travel sex i hope too is there anything better) before summer is out and a whole lot of teeth chewing your leg off . There will be some challenges to your plans that may lead to a slight June Gloom,(well having your leg chewed off by a shark would make any June be filled with fucken Gloom) but by mid-July you will be able to look back and laugh it all off (in 3-D, no less!)(see a happy ending and road sex too)
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Count up your coins, ya'll, because the mantra this month is "money." Or, rather, the total lack thereof. Don't even bother looking through that catalogue –of new potions and glass vials and put the mouse down right now! Bad eBay, bad! Relegate your credit cards to the underwear drawer (you won’t find it there cause you don’t wear underwear) for all of June or you'll be crying in your generic brand blood come July. Cheer up, summer is one of the few times it's easy to be broke -- the great outdoors is calling,(you can learn that new stalking power) and it requires fewer clothes(damn sounds like a hawt Sumer of sex love and rock an roll). Plus, Mars is moving on in and making you feel all healthy and energetic so the money crunch won't feel like a complete squirrel grip.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that strategy you've developed for dealing with your life when it seems peculiarly murky and incomprehensible? (hmm the one where you get drunk)The one where you lock yourself up in your room with the covers pulled up to your head and watch reruns of "Gilligan’s island" while groaning from time to time? I hate to be the one to tell you, but your plan won't work this month. The reason? Your friends wont let you hide away, you need to be alive and kicking! Crawl out of hiding, grab a notebook and a pen and plant yourself somewhere outdoors this month for serious contemplate-your-navel time(or contemplate your neighbours navel time hmm pretty soft ohh lickable). Don't miss the opportunity to soak in what you think you're missing. By July 16th you won't even remember " Gilligan’s island really!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Next to Cancer, ya'll have had the worst time with that shitheel of a house guest. It's especially drained your emotional fuel tank these past few weeks. The cost for filling up your Cappy engine can be exorbitant (not to mention your pantry aren’t house guests supposed to pay their way or at least put something towards the house a few bottle of blood world not go astray tell them someone at the front door of the house and kick them in the arse when they open it and change the locks. On holidays this summer take an alternate route date someone older younger same sex different sex you won't be disappointed. Capricorns will be able to see clearly, breathe deeply, enjoy the scenery and maybe even love a little.(or just use the bit of 4 X 2 and have sex more often) I can see a road ahead that is marked with gratifying pit stops and unlimited sex. There will be people along the way who may be asking for a free ride invite them in no rides for free, Capricorn. Trust your internal navigation system and you'll get unlimited miles per gallon.(and plenty hawt unnatural and natural sex)
