Post by sade on Nov 7, 2009 22:10:18 GMT -8
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)Hey you....... .Now Stop, Take a look at yourself .............No, don’t be shy...what have you done recently in the city...or are you one of the many who hide? Do their human and blood ordering over the internet. When was the last time you heard the sound of pounding blood through a human’s body. Smelled the fear, tasted the nearly orgasmic terror as you corner them? I tell you I’m nearly fully erect now just thinking about it (jeez don’t take much for you to get hard man). Just stop. Think about what you’re doing! Be a hermit and pretend to be a vampire...it's a long life in a single room with blood deliveries. We are meant to be out hunting the city. So for a start, here is the plan: do you have any human relatives around? Have a Thanksgiving party - invite them around...then kill them. It's not much, but its a start. If you need help send to PO box 181 Ravenblack city Thanksgiving parties for dummies and send 500 coins.
Your lucky number is greater than one so get the fuck out and hunt.
Your lucky colour is not that pale white color you got going on, but then again it ain't chard charcoal either. Stay away from the sun, but get some moonlight into you!
Your lucky thanksgiving food: turkey with all the trimmings and someone to suck on for afters (oh errrr oh you meant blood).
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
My cousin Angie worked on a turkey farm for waaaaay too many years. And she told me many Turkey stories, (well I hope there was some with gobbling in them, hmm gobbling), anywho most of which are too boring and gross to repeat here (goosing turkeys is never gross). Anyway, she worked at ye olde Gobbling Turkeys Farm for one reason: MONEY. Needless to say, Angie is dead, seemed to die of low blood levels...you get the picture. Pisces as a group are way too artsy and creative to take a job JUST for the money, it hurts your little heart too much your lazy fuckers. I agree whole heartedly with your motivational ways, so what you need to do this month is find hard workers earning their money and kill them - suck 'em dry. You not only get a good feed, but a bag of coins to go with it. If they're hot enough, you might even get laid.
Your lucky number is 2 (no special significants just 2)
Your lucky colour is blood red
Your lucky thanksgiving food is pumpkin pie (hmm Pump Kin Pie...can’t go wrong there - sister brother yum hehe...you hillbilly red neck)
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Answer me this question, it’s of paramount importance to you right now.... Would you rather be known as the smart one or as the pretty one? Be honest. Being smart and butt ugly has its drawbacks, but so too does being pretty without enough grey matter to tie your shoes (being blonde on top of that would just too harsh). Here's the thing ... we all want to be both smart and pretty (and rich too, not to mention SKINNY). The truth is, only a few of us can have it all: looks, brains, nice boobs or male members (if you got both I got a circus tent with your name on just for you) can be both, but its going to cost you a fortune in plastic surgery. Being pretty is not a state of mind, its hard work or sharp knives. Anyway, back to the question pretty or smart. If you can answer that one write to me at PO box 181 Ravenblack city. I’m a hottie and have a brain. (naked photos optional but please send 'em in)
Your lucky number is in the bottom drawer over there (hmm nice bend over a bit more ohh baby whos your daddy).
Your lucky color is fluoro green.
Your lucky thanksgiving food is Pecan pie (hmm keep bending over I’m peekin real well...work it baby)
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Look, I peeked inside your room last night. I must say you do keep it neat and tidy. About the only thing out of place was that life-sized poster you have on the wall with a hole in between their lips. Has it really been that long since you last French kissed someone, you now work out on a poster? I’m guessing intimacy issues, I stopped at just a visual look and didn’t go searching for a toy box or cupboard, but you wouldn’t have one of those now, would you? All I can say to you is tear down the poster. If you want to practice French kissing send me an appointment to my calendar. We can work out a time and a place I’m sure (what, lonely much? What about a bit more than French kissing hmm...yum). If you’re not up to a meeting you can keep the poster...just change it now and then - the lips are all wet and icky (err just by the look of course...I didn’t...well, no, I didn’t do nothing else, I promise). Best thing is to remember we all have our quirks and odd behaviour and we're all pretty screwed up (yeah but you're just fucked in the head kissing a poster of Elton John).
Your lucky number is soixante-neuf
Your lucky colour is rose
Your lucky thanksgiving food is tofurkey (hmm all the taste but is it good enough to be turkey)
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Have you played that vampires a dark allyway on the computer or even surfed the internet? Watch out, it's coming to a city internet cafe near you. Look up how many holy waters it will take to kill you, find the closest shop, why bother hunting for things when they are a finger-tip away. Find hunters before they find you. Plug in, switch on and let the information super highway feed you your life. Information overload! Take that bold new step! Use your new hand-held device to show you the light.(hmm I got a hand held device that can show the light...grins) Be the first in your clan to own one of these devices and show them the way. Find a mate on the run. There are lonely vampires out there just looking for someone like you to snuggle up with during the day. This month let's embrace the footloose, fancy-free vibe (sure, some people call it "flighty" or "scared" ... what do they know?). You know what’s better than sitting down with friends around a nice hot turkey (what other than killing them all)? What’s better in November is coupling up under a full moon, romance might not be dead yet, but hawt sext in public never gets cold.
Your lucky number is zero
Your lucky colour is black like your heart
Your lucky thanksgiving food is sweet potato pie (smeared on your lovers body)
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
November brings us into a novel place. One which you might have had an inkling off recently, but this month its out and raunchy. It's Temptation month.
Enough said? Yummy everything ... tasty romance, delicious treats, scrumptious opportunities, delightful new doors, pulled down drawers. So many paths you can venture down, its just up to you. Can you hear it? You can have adventure. It’s interesting, since you usually despise change. But something about the holiday whirlwind and the crisp air will make your adventurous side bubble up with anticipation (yeah just make sure no bubbles in the bath tub without bubble bath pew). Bottom line: candy is good. Take it from strangers, or steal it from kids. Eat as much of it as you can, but remember chase it down with virgins blood Now, dive in!
Your lucky number is 30 (number of beauties you will taste this month)
Your lucky colour is wet pink
Your lucky thanksgiving food is cranberry sauce (hmm pool it on someone’s belly button yum)
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Well Leo, you'rw fucked this month. You have the ghosts of your past kills swirling all around you. (for them without kills...ghosts of past gingerbread men you have killed) It's a reflect-on-the-past and what-the-hell-am-I-thankful-for time of the year, remember don’t go running down the road like a wussy vampire screaming "Go Away!" What does this mean? You need to accept who and what you are! You’re a vampire. Dark, melancholy, moody and evil. Show no fear of things you have killed. Either accept what you are or go dance in pink panties, you girl's blouse. Don't freeze. Grow some balls, face the ghosts of your past and kill them again. (or eat them again...I so love gingerbread men)
Your lucky number is 3
Your lucky colour is yellow
Your lucky thanksgiving food is winter squash
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Recently I had a Virgo complain that two months ago their horror-scope was rather unappealing. I fixed them up with a baseball bat and explained that even if it was boring you should have read 'duck' when you see a Gemini with a baseball bat (thick as pig shit). So, this month, since they can now read and walk again, I decided to make it up to you so read on and enjoy. First, you will begin making plans to travel (pretty exciting, no?). Next, you will realize that the mantra of this month is "I don't know." Explore your mind, expand your choices, don’t be as picky in romantic situations - especially mid-month and don't hesitate! Jump right into a romance or sex - either is good. Do some serious pre-holiday shopping. Buy that sex toy you have dreamed of. Finally, don’t forget to buy extra batteries.
Your lucky number is 15.6
Your lucky colour is mission brown
Your lucky thanksgiving food is greenbeans in a casserole
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Have you ever noticed song lyrics hold a lot of wisdom? For instance, "I did it my way" or "Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream" and my favourite “Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused " (ohh err my hhmm where do I send the maniacal and leather whips baby). Ever noticed how just a little groove can get your whole frame of mind to shift? (sighs grooves sighs hmmm stop talking dirty). Much like wearing fancy lingerie under an everyday pair of jeans (I like to wear women’s undies err that’s to much info right? hehe), turning up the volume on your life (musically and literally) can remove you from that rut, even if only temporarily. It's your mission -- should you choose to accept it -- to shake up your own rut this month. Slutty underthings and cheesy songs optional hmm i like money money its a rich mans/girls world.
Your lucky number is 6 (there was 6 in the bed and the little who was tied to the bed said hmm ohh errr my ohh baby)
Your lucky colour is white
Your lucky thanksgiving food is wild mushrooms in brandy sauce
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Imagine coming across one of the stupid vampires and they have 10000 coins. It isn't quite enough to quit your hunting, but it's just enough to get you out of hock and have plenty left over for a mini spending spree. Ok, so the message this month is you’re not getting rich. But! You do tend to be a little obsessed with money right now. Dreaming of jingly jangly things that burn is good for the soul. Remember weapons don’t kill vampires, you do. And creative visualization of this kind will help you get your priorities straight. You have two tracks you can go down this month, so listen good and listen hard. 1) You may discover that you need to budget like a pro and develop some financial goals. Or, 2) you might just say to hell with it and buy some of those non-essentials you've been craving. Either way, you'll be thinking about Retail Therapy, and there is nothing wrong with that word at all right?
Your lucky number is savings 101 (101 things to do with a wad of cash - buy prostitutes, drugs, booze or weapons...sighs they seem to be all good)
Your lucky colour is orange
Your lucky thanksgiving food is corn on the cob
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Platitudes. Like "early to bed early to rise makes a vampire Healthy, wealthy and dead" or "An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if it is used as a silencer." Platitudes surround us everywhere lately? Nobody or nothing seems real anymore. Are you living in a place like the matrix? Secretly sleeping your life away trying to find an answer to the bigger question (what? Like where the second sock goes in the dryer?) All I can say is: keep your eyes open for reality. otherwise it will kick you in the arse and move on by while you're gazing in wonder at your own navel - pondering as your birthday. Rest up, and pay special attention when the big day comes - get out boogie, get a booty call and dance like its 1999. And if that does not work, stalk and kill someone or that girl scout or wilderness troop down the road (I hate girl scouts and wilderness girls). Wash your hands a lot! Girl scouts and wilderness girls are notoriously sticky.
Your lucky number is 911 or 000
Your lucky colour is electric blue
Your lucky thanksgiving food is glazed ham with wilderness girls stabbed into it
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Wow, you're a whirling Tasmanian devil of energy, a mad smash and grab of activity, an entire Mars Bar of fun! (hmm mars bars dipped in pretty g errr umm blushes). You are a snack attack this month. Hundreds, if not thousands, of vampires will be out to suck your collective blood, so don’t stand near any quest guilds this month. (have you been near that special sugar school, with all the children climbing the walls after sugar drinks? Now I know where the energy is coming from). Your energy level is unprecedented. You need to do the following. I can feel it in your water. Talk! Share your vision! Your excitement! I can feel your pain. Why won't they heed your advice? Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid? Still who cares! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. Hear you ROAR. Hmmm what is it that goats do? Do they roar? WHO the fuck CARES! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. You can ROAR if you want to! (or cry if you want to it’s your party)
Your lucky number is 9
Your lucky colour is puce
Your lucky thanksgiving food marshmallow pie
Your lucky number is greater than one so get the fuck out and hunt.
Your lucky colour is not that pale white color you got going on, but then again it ain't chard charcoal either. Stay away from the sun, but get some moonlight into you!
Your lucky thanksgiving food: turkey with all the trimmings and someone to suck on for afters (oh errrr oh you meant blood).
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
My cousin Angie worked on a turkey farm for waaaaay too many years. And she told me many Turkey stories, (well I hope there was some with gobbling in them, hmm gobbling), anywho most of which are too boring and gross to repeat here (goosing turkeys is never gross). Anyway, she worked at ye olde Gobbling Turkeys Farm for one reason: MONEY. Needless to say, Angie is dead, seemed to die of low blood levels...you get the picture. Pisces as a group are way too artsy and creative to take a job JUST for the money, it hurts your little heart too much your lazy fuckers. I agree whole heartedly with your motivational ways, so what you need to do this month is find hard workers earning their money and kill them - suck 'em dry. You not only get a good feed, but a bag of coins to go with it. If they're hot enough, you might even get laid.
Your lucky number is 2 (no special significants just 2)
Your lucky colour is blood red
Your lucky thanksgiving food is pumpkin pie (hmm Pump Kin Pie...can’t go wrong there - sister brother yum hehe...you hillbilly red neck)
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Answer me this question, it’s of paramount importance to you right now.... Would you rather be known as the smart one or as the pretty one? Be honest. Being smart and butt ugly has its drawbacks, but so too does being pretty without enough grey matter to tie your shoes (being blonde on top of that would just too harsh). Here's the thing ... we all want to be both smart and pretty (and rich too, not to mention SKINNY). The truth is, only a few of us can have it all: looks, brains, nice boobs or male members (if you got both I got a circus tent with your name on just for you) can be both, but its going to cost you a fortune in plastic surgery. Being pretty is not a state of mind, its hard work or sharp knives. Anyway, back to the question pretty or smart. If you can answer that one write to me at PO box 181 Ravenblack city. I’m a hottie and have a brain. (naked photos optional but please send 'em in)
Your lucky number is in the bottom drawer over there (hmm nice bend over a bit more ohh baby whos your daddy).
Your lucky color is fluoro green.
Your lucky thanksgiving food is Pecan pie (hmm keep bending over I’m peekin real well...work it baby)
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Look, I peeked inside your room last night. I must say you do keep it neat and tidy. About the only thing out of place was that life-sized poster you have on the wall with a hole in between their lips. Has it really been that long since you last French kissed someone, you now work out on a poster? I’m guessing intimacy issues, I stopped at just a visual look and didn’t go searching for a toy box or cupboard, but you wouldn’t have one of those now, would you? All I can say to you is tear down the poster. If you want to practice French kissing send me an appointment to my calendar. We can work out a time and a place I’m sure (what, lonely much? What about a bit more than French kissing hmm...yum). If you’re not up to a meeting you can keep the poster...just change it now and then - the lips are all wet and icky (err just by the look of course...I didn’t...well, no, I didn’t do nothing else, I promise). Best thing is to remember we all have our quirks and odd behaviour and we're all pretty screwed up (yeah but you're just fucked in the head kissing a poster of Elton John).
Your lucky number is soixante-neuf
Your lucky colour is rose
Your lucky thanksgiving food is tofurkey (hmm all the taste but is it good enough to be turkey)
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Have you played that vampires a dark allyway on the computer or even surfed the internet? Watch out, it's coming to a city internet cafe near you. Look up how many holy waters it will take to kill you, find the closest shop, why bother hunting for things when they are a finger-tip away. Find hunters before they find you. Plug in, switch on and let the information super highway feed you your life. Information overload! Take that bold new step! Use your new hand-held device to show you the light.(hmm I got a hand held device that can show the light...grins) Be the first in your clan to own one of these devices and show them the way. Find a mate on the run. There are lonely vampires out there just looking for someone like you to snuggle up with during the day. This month let's embrace the footloose, fancy-free vibe (sure, some people call it "flighty" or "scared" ... what do they know?). You know what’s better than sitting down with friends around a nice hot turkey (what other than killing them all)? What’s better in November is coupling up under a full moon, romance might not be dead yet, but hawt sext in public never gets cold.
Your lucky number is zero
Your lucky colour is black like your heart
Your lucky thanksgiving food is sweet potato pie (smeared on your lovers body)
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
November brings us into a novel place. One which you might have had an inkling off recently, but this month its out and raunchy. It's Temptation month.
Enough said? Yummy everything ... tasty romance, delicious treats, scrumptious opportunities, delightful new doors, pulled down drawers. So many paths you can venture down, its just up to you. Can you hear it? You can have adventure. It’s interesting, since you usually despise change. But something about the holiday whirlwind and the crisp air will make your adventurous side bubble up with anticipation (yeah just make sure no bubbles in the bath tub without bubble bath pew). Bottom line: candy is good. Take it from strangers, or steal it from kids. Eat as much of it as you can, but remember chase it down with virgins blood Now, dive in!
Your lucky number is 30 (number of beauties you will taste this month)
Your lucky colour is wet pink
Your lucky thanksgiving food is cranberry sauce (hmm pool it on someone’s belly button yum)
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Well Leo, you'rw fucked this month. You have the ghosts of your past kills swirling all around you. (for them without kills...ghosts of past gingerbread men you have killed) It's a reflect-on-the-past and what-the-hell-am-I-thankful-for time of the year, remember don’t go running down the road like a wussy vampire screaming "Go Away!" What does this mean? You need to accept who and what you are! You’re a vampire. Dark, melancholy, moody and evil. Show no fear of things you have killed. Either accept what you are or go dance in pink panties, you girl's blouse. Don't freeze. Grow some balls, face the ghosts of your past and kill them again. (or eat them again...I so love gingerbread men)
Your lucky number is 3
Your lucky colour is yellow
Your lucky thanksgiving food is winter squash
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Recently I had a Virgo complain that two months ago their horror-scope was rather unappealing. I fixed them up with a baseball bat and explained that even if it was boring you should have read 'duck' when you see a Gemini with a baseball bat (thick as pig shit). So, this month, since they can now read and walk again, I decided to make it up to you so read on and enjoy. First, you will begin making plans to travel (pretty exciting, no?). Next, you will realize that the mantra of this month is "I don't know." Explore your mind, expand your choices, don’t be as picky in romantic situations - especially mid-month and don't hesitate! Jump right into a romance or sex - either is good. Do some serious pre-holiday shopping. Buy that sex toy you have dreamed of. Finally, don’t forget to buy extra batteries.
Your lucky number is 15.6
Your lucky colour is mission brown
Your lucky thanksgiving food is greenbeans in a casserole
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Have you ever noticed song lyrics hold a lot of wisdom? For instance, "I did it my way" or "Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream" and my favourite “Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused " (ohh err my hhmm where do I send the maniacal and leather whips baby). Ever noticed how just a little groove can get your whole frame of mind to shift? (sighs grooves sighs hmmm stop talking dirty). Much like wearing fancy lingerie under an everyday pair of jeans (I like to wear women’s undies err that’s to much info right? hehe), turning up the volume on your life (musically and literally) can remove you from that rut, even if only temporarily. It's your mission -- should you choose to accept it -- to shake up your own rut this month. Slutty underthings and cheesy songs optional hmm i like money money its a rich mans/girls world.
Your lucky number is 6 (there was 6 in the bed and the little who was tied to the bed said hmm ohh errr my ohh baby)
Your lucky colour is white
Your lucky thanksgiving food is wild mushrooms in brandy sauce
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Imagine coming across one of the stupid vampires and they have 10000 coins. It isn't quite enough to quit your hunting, but it's just enough to get you out of hock and have plenty left over for a mini spending spree. Ok, so the message this month is you’re not getting rich. But! You do tend to be a little obsessed with money right now. Dreaming of jingly jangly things that burn is good for the soul. Remember weapons don’t kill vampires, you do. And creative visualization of this kind will help you get your priorities straight. You have two tracks you can go down this month, so listen good and listen hard. 1) You may discover that you need to budget like a pro and develop some financial goals. Or, 2) you might just say to hell with it and buy some of those non-essentials you've been craving. Either way, you'll be thinking about Retail Therapy, and there is nothing wrong with that word at all right?
Your lucky number is savings 101 (101 things to do with a wad of cash - buy prostitutes, drugs, booze or weapons...sighs they seem to be all good)
Your lucky colour is orange
Your lucky thanksgiving food is corn on the cob
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Platitudes. Like "early to bed early to rise makes a vampire Healthy, wealthy and dead" or "An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if it is used as a silencer." Platitudes surround us everywhere lately? Nobody or nothing seems real anymore. Are you living in a place like the matrix? Secretly sleeping your life away trying to find an answer to the bigger question (what? Like where the second sock goes in the dryer?) All I can say is: keep your eyes open for reality. otherwise it will kick you in the arse and move on by while you're gazing in wonder at your own navel - pondering as your birthday. Rest up, and pay special attention when the big day comes - get out boogie, get a booty call and dance like its 1999. And if that does not work, stalk and kill someone or that girl scout or wilderness troop down the road (I hate girl scouts and wilderness girls). Wash your hands a lot! Girl scouts and wilderness girls are notoriously sticky.
Your lucky number is 911 or 000
Your lucky colour is electric blue
Your lucky thanksgiving food is glazed ham with wilderness girls stabbed into it
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Wow, you're a whirling Tasmanian devil of energy, a mad smash and grab of activity, an entire Mars Bar of fun! (hmm mars bars dipped in pretty g errr umm blushes). You are a snack attack this month. Hundreds, if not thousands, of vampires will be out to suck your collective blood, so don’t stand near any quest guilds this month. (have you been near that special sugar school, with all the children climbing the walls after sugar drinks? Now I know where the energy is coming from). Your energy level is unprecedented. You need to do the following. I can feel it in your water. Talk! Share your vision! Your excitement! I can feel your pain. Why won't they heed your advice? Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid? Still who cares! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. Hear you ROAR. Hmmm what is it that goats do? Do they roar? WHO the fuck CARES! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. You can ROAR if you want to! (or cry if you want to it’s your party)
Your lucky number is 9
Your lucky colour is puce
Your lucky thanksgiving food marshmallow pie
