Post by sade on May 5, 2009 4:08:18 GMT -8
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You can count on someone from the past popping up in an unexpected form in the next two weeks,(I told you if you going to bury them make it 6 feet deep or cut them up into small pieces ok the worst thing is if they come back as a zombie all your friends will say you got zombie mates ewwww) This visit will stir up some weird inner emotional stuff. (or in their case and they are a zombie outer falling off stuff remember to give them a plastic baggie like you take when walking a dog to put dropping off parts into. it’s so unsightly having to pick up after a zombie I mean yuck a finger here an ear there an eye and what happens if their private parts fall off I mean god no) It won’t be all bad I mean at least you can now say you’re not the most butt ugly person in the house. Worse comes to worse set fire to them and render them down
Lucky number is 3
Lucky colour is green
Lucky saying ‘Zombies are just another way of saying I love you forever’
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Some geographical region is calling out to you, your wanderlust is getting to you in night sweats and daydreams. I have never seen a sign more in need of a vacation. (either that or sex .are you getting enough if not i know a fine little place near obsidian and 90 they cater to all tastes gender or species no questions asked if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge) Take the urge seriously and make a weekend getaway a reality. It doesn’t have to be expensive or far away to give you the little jolt you need(ahh yes electricity to the genitalia oh I remember it well) … in fact, the oasis you’re looking far is closer to home than ya'll may expect. So pack your bags, pack your toys err pack some cash and the odd little snack and head out for the perfect Pisces vacation (or was it sex romp). Oh yeah.
Lucky number is 4 (foursomes are fun and everyone gets someone)
Lucky colour is pink
Lucky saying ‘I don’t use feathers no more i use the whole chicken’
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Time to save early and save often (how many times have you seen some wanker whinge they had 3000 coins stolen and decided to go hit the one who stole its how the city is get over it). This is a odd time for Aries, where once you had huge coin reserves now you are in debt, but ya'll don’t throw yourselves on the fire of monetary ruin just yet. Lean times make you even more creative (ok in the end you ill go sell your body at bleak and 30 yes i know it’s not the best location and the passing trade like to do deviant things but someone’s got to do that stuff) By summer’s end you’ll be out of debt’s dark shadow (and that rash will go away with a little medication, would I lie to you). This also might be a great outlet for that pent up sexual needs you have needed an outlet for.
Lucky number is 400000 (the amount of coins you need to be free)
Lucky colour is yellow (the colour of that unsightly sore)
Lucky saying (I don’t ever want you to say this ) we have a sale here two for the price of one
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I look at your end-of-May chart (and I was checking out your end Wahoo now that’s just so cute) and all I see is … rope hand cuffs and a paddle. I haven’t had a great deal of time to ponder the meaning of these clearly significant signs. It can mean so many things! At its most innocent table tennis (Er what about the rope and cuffs) perhaps Table Tennis in prison who can know. I believe these symbols can mean anything you choose – (personally i think they mean being hog tied and hand cuffed to a bed or stair way and being paddled mercilessly on the posterior but hey I’m into that go on what’s your safe word haha) perhaps the paddle and the cuffs and rope mean something else totally different perhaps you will go rowing and your car needs towing..i am pretty sure the handcuffs mean kinky sex though but you decide what is best for yourself
Lucky number is 9 (I’m pretty sure 9 spanks would be enough unless you’re real naughty)
Lucky colour is crimson (not unlike your cheeks after a spanking)
Lucky saying ‘oh baby one more time’
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Isn't it funny how when you first meet someone(take this to mean stalk) and you really, really want them to like you (well this does not matter if your stalking them of course they like you), you're on your best behaviour?(nothing like being outside their apartment at 3 30 am going through their rubbish bin err ) You're so sweet and nice and such a great listener(see those secret bugs you put in make you a special listener). Fast forward a year, to when they love you(and have a restraining order on your arse its how you tell they love you and can’t live without you or probably won’t live without you), All you want to do is let them know how much you care and breathing without them is impossible (take this to mean you finally move in and show them how much you care by kidnapping them and well we all know where this leads ..Down the road to happy families i mean what do the police and their loved ones know .all that matters is you love them and will show them how much with your knife) but in the end no matter how much they say they love you, you know it’s not enough besides you have had your eye on that cute one in the next town. I guess maybe this one didn’t love you enough. So in May you need to get out and do your fare amount of stalking
Lucky number is 2 (you and them what more is there)
Lucky colour rose the colour of your glasses
Lucky saying ‘they loves me, they doesn’t love me (what the fuck of course they love me stupid fucken game)’
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
More UFOs appear to Cancerians than to any other sign in the zodiac. Perhaps we're so damn evolved that we naturally attract intelligent life from other planets (me personally I think you do more drugs than any one else). May is shaping up to be a stellar month for crabs (gawd i hope that’s not pubic crabs had a dose of them back in 1961 err no not really ), and boy have we needed it. I think we should spend this month actively communicating with intelligent beings (that could be a challenge of a life time in RBC first you have to find intelligent life stay out of the ghettos). Instead of seeing aliens all around us, we ought to try seeking some human contact(oh yeah human contact with their neck and my fangs).
Lucky Number 8
Lucky colour blue (and you thought it was green the colour of your ufo buddy)
Lucky saying ‘the truth is out there you just got to drink enough to find it’
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ever noticed what someone might recommend as "good" for you often feel like oppression? This month the only advice to take is your own. You're kicking ass (your weapon stocks are great you got a full bank account and you getting sexed every 3 hours what more could you want). Seriously remember all this good stuff cause late in the month. Financial troubles, romantic tension and too many obligations leave you feeling drained (too much oral sex maybe) So the next vampire human or zombie says this will be good for you take them out and holy water stake bite and burn their arses I mean what do they know. Use your ass-kicking skills to banish
Lucky number ok I’m not going to tell you i don’t need an ass kicking
Lucky colour is what ever you say it is (see i am not stupid)
Lucky saying ‘advice and arseholes everyone has them I just prefer not to listen to yours’
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I have a very good Virgo friend who once told me that she's a member of the "most boring sign in the zodiac."(I say make it had a good friend and stab them but hey what do i know she wont be so boring then at least) Beside the only reason she was bored was she didn’t bother to get out of the way of her own shadow. Want to be less bored start something have a laugh kill someone, have a war. I think there's a simmering discontent right under your skin. You feel the anger boiling rouse yourself and slaughter the innocent ...Either that or go grow pansies in the local park and turn into a ghost. (me personally shake a tailfeather, baby and get laid. I find If you try to bury your head or for them fingers or lips you'll end up wide awake and getting it on).
Lucky number is 1
Lucky colour is grey
Lucky saying ‘I’m bored let’s kill someone’
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
An interesting fact about Libra is how well they seem to play with others. Be it holy water garlic spray or out and out war they do it like they were born to it. Libras really get a feel for people, but this month instead of knowing the opponent turn that knowing ability onto your self . Spend some time figuring out your own whys and how’s, what you want for the future,(how about you just go out ans steal coins or kill someone).
Lucky number is 14
Lucky colour is green
Lucky saying ‘IT was not me’
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Drink lots of blood. Eat many Indians, Limit salt intake. Blah blah blah. None of this will do you a damn bit of good when you’re reckless with your personal safety.(don’t walk into biker bars and scream pusses’ and then take them all on ok this would be bad if you had plans to do it then stop and don’t. But if I can’t talk you out of it then find the smallest bikie gang with the most grannies and do it there make sure they are not all wearing adult nappies it might get stinky real fast) There is something going on with you and it’s compelling you to throw caution to the wind. The next 30 days are like a field of hidden holy water mines. Caution is your watchword. Wear a condom to bed just in case . Wear sunscreen (well there you go why the hell are you planning to go outside in daylight). Wear panties with a cotton lining. The best advice my mom ever gave me was "Keep your panties on!" and that goes doubly well for Scorpios this month. You'll have more opportunity than usual to get into a pickle, so keep your eyes open for well-lit emergency exits.
Lucky number is as many as you can get on a bed
Lucky colour orange
Lucky Saying ‘there is always room for one more’
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The best way to get rid of a Sag is to start telling them exactly what to do.(no this is not a master/mistress thing. Get your heads out of the gutter people) seeing as I have already alienated for sure the Libras and Aries and Aquarius folks. I want Sags not to change a thing! Except... wow, ya'll. Don't you ever WANT to plan obsessively like the Cappies and Cancers and Virgos do? Long term stalking, planning the death of an enemy or just long term poking fun of another vampire is so much fun. How about a plan to seduce the one you want) You don't have to get all Excel spreadsheety on us or anything. But you could try to make a list, maybe, pros and cons of your latest greatest good idea or dark undertaking?
Lucky number is 181
Lucky colour is black
Lucky saying ‘C is for cookie’
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Summer is the season of freckles, sand, warm nights and blazing hot romantic romps.(or a hawt hard bit of sex on the battle field is not bad eitherjsut don’t spash holy water near anything you don’t want sizzled )(well a romp on the beach is fun long as you don’t get sand in your simmers or places swimmers should be) Well, that’s what Cosmo says, anyway(not that i would read such mags). I was drawing up your stars for May...and June... and even July (!!!) and all those “Shocking Sexy Summer Stories” in Cosmo are true. hawt romance hawt girls and guys in kinky positions just for you! You’re a regular little love machine.(who would have guessed and love machine nope lust machine yes) When you walk, are you accompanied by the faint sound of “Foxy Lady/guy” playing in the background? You will find folks ready to fling off their clothes at a moment's notice?
Lucky number is 69
Lucky colour is tan
Lucky saying is ‘you want to go again, hmm damn yum’
You can count on someone from the past popping up in an unexpected form in the next two weeks,(I told you if you going to bury them make it 6 feet deep or cut them up into small pieces ok the worst thing is if they come back as a zombie all your friends will say you got zombie mates ewwww) This visit will stir up some weird inner emotional stuff. (or in their case and they are a zombie outer falling off stuff remember to give them a plastic baggie like you take when walking a dog to put dropping off parts into. it’s so unsightly having to pick up after a zombie I mean yuck a finger here an ear there an eye and what happens if their private parts fall off I mean god no) It won’t be all bad I mean at least you can now say you’re not the most butt ugly person in the house. Worse comes to worse set fire to them and render them down
Lucky number is 3
Lucky colour is green
Lucky saying ‘Zombies are just another way of saying I love you forever’
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Some geographical region is calling out to you, your wanderlust is getting to you in night sweats and daydreams. I have never seen a sign more in need of a vacation. (either that or sex .are you getting enough if not i know a fine little place near obsidian and 90 they cater to all tastes gender or species no questions asked if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge) Take the urge seriously and make a weekend getaway a reality. It doesn’t have to be expensive or far away to give you the little jolt you need(ahh yes electricity to the genitalia oh I remember it well) … in fact, the oasis you’re looking far is closer to home than ya'll may expect. So pack your bags, pack your toys err pack some cash and the odd little snack and head out for the perfect Pisces vacation (or was it sex romp). Oh yeah.
Lucky number is 4 (foursomes are fun and everyone gets someone)
Lucky colour is pink
Lucky saying ‘I don’t use feathers no more i use the whole chicken’
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Time to save early and save often (how many times have you seen some wanker whinge they had 3000 coins stolen and decided to go hit the one who stole its how the city is get over it). This is a odd time for Aries, where once you had huge coin reserves now you are in debt, but ya'll don’t throw yourselves on the fire of monetary ruin just yet. Lean times make you even more creative (ok in the end you ill go sell your body at bleak and 30 yes i know it’s not the best location and the passing trade like to do deviant things but someone’s got to do that stuff) By summer’s end you’ll be out of debt’s dark shadow (and that rash will go away with a little medication, would I lie to you). This also might be a great outlet for that pent up sexual needs you have needed an outlet for.
Lucky number is 400000 (the amount of coins you need to be free)
Lucky colour is yellow (the colour of that unsightly sore)
Lucky saying (I don’t ever want you to say this ) we have a sale here two for the price of one
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I look at your end-of-May chart (and I was checking out your end Wahoo now that’s just so cute) and all I see is … rope hand cuffs and a paddle. I haven’t had a great deal of time to ponder the meaning of these clearly significant signs. It can mean so many things! At its most innocent table tennis (Er what about the rope and cuffs) perhaps Table Tennis in prison who can know. I believe these symbols can mean anything you choose – (personally i think they mean being hog tied and hand cuffed to a bed or stair way and being paddled mercilessly on the posterior but hey I’m into that go on what’s your safe word haha) perhaps the paddle and the cuffs and rope mean something else totally different perhaps you will go rowing and your car needs towing..i am pretty sure the handcuffs mean kinky sex though but you decide what is best for yourself
Lucky number is 9 (I’m pretty sure 9 spanks would be enough unless you’re real naughty)
Lucky colour is crimson (not unlike your cheeks after a spanking)
Lucky saying ‘oh baby one more time’
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Isn't it funny how when you first meet someone(take this to mean stalk) and you really, really want them to like you (well this does not matter if your stalking them of course they like you), you're on your best behaviour?(nothing like being outside their apartment at 3 30 am going through their rubbish bin err ) You're so sweet and nice and such a great listener(see those secret bugs you put in make you a special listener). Fast forward a year, to when they love you(and have a restraining order on your arse its how you tell they love you and can’t live without you or probably won’t live without you), All you want to do is let them know how much you care and breathing without them is impossible (take this to mean you finally move in and show them how much you care by kidnapping them and well we all know where this leads ..Down the road to happy families i mean what do the police and their loved ones know .all that matters is you love them and will show them how much with your knife) but in the end no matter how much they say they love you, you know it’s not enough besides you have had your eye on that cute one in the next town. I guess maybe this one didn’t love you enough. So in May you need to get out and do your fare amount of stalking
Lucky number is 2 (you and them what more is there)
Lucky colour rose the colour of your glasses
Lucky saying ‘they loves me, they doesn’t love me (what the fuck of course they love me stupid fucken game)’
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
More UFOs appear to Cancerians than to any other sign in the zodiac. Perhaps we're so damn evolved that we naturally attract intelligent life from other planets (me personally I think you do more drugs than any one else). May is shaping up to be a stellar month for crabs (gawd i hope that’s not pubic crabs had a dose of them back in 1961 err no not really ), and boy have we needed it. I think we should spend this month actively communicating with intelligent beings (that could be a challenge of a life time in RBC first you have to find intelligent life stay out of the ghettos). Instead of seeing aliens all around us, we ought to try seeking some human contact(oh yeah human contact with their neck and my fangs).
Lucky Number 8
Lucky colour blue (and you thought it was green the colour of your ufo buddy)
Lucky saying ‘the truth is out there you just got to drink enough to find it’
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ever noticed what someone might recommend as "good" for you often feel like oppression? This month the only advice to take is your own. You're kicking ass (your weapon stocks are great you got a full bank account and you getting sexed every 3 hours what more could you want). Seriously remember all this good stuff cause late in the month. Financial troubles, romantic tension and too many obligations leave you feeling drained (too much oral sex maybe) So the next vampire human or zombie says this will be good for you take them out and holy water stake bite and burn their arses I mean what do they know. Use your ass-kicking skills to banish
Lucky number ok I’m not going to tell you i don’t need an ass kicking
Lucky colour is what ever you say it is (see i am not stupid)
Lucky saying ‘advice and arseholes everyone has them I just prefer not to listen to yours’
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I have a very good Virgo friend who once told me that she's a member of the "most boring sign in the zodiac."(I say make it had a good friend and stab them but hey what do i know she wont be so boring then at least) Beside the only reason she was bored was she didn’t bother to get out of the way of her own shadow. Want to be less bored start something have a laugh kill someone, have a war. I think there's a simmering discontent right under your skin. You feel the anger boiling rouse yourself and slaughter the innocent ...Either that or go grow pansies in the local park and turn into a ghost. (me personally shake a tailfeather, baby and get laid. I find If you try to bury your head or for them fingers or lips you'll end up wide awake and getting it on).
Lucky number is 1
Lucky colour is grey
Lucky saying ‘I’m bored let’s kill someone’
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
An interesting fact about Libra is how well they seem to play with others. Be it holy water garlic spray or out and out war they do it like they were born to it. Libras really get a feel for people, but this month instead of knowing the opponent turn that knowing ability onto your self . Spend some time figuring out your own whys and how’s, what you want for the future,(how about you just go out ans steal coins or kill someone).
Lucky number is 14
Lucky colour is green
Lucky saying ‘IT was not me’
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Drink lots of blood. Eat many Indians, Limit salt intake. Blah blah blah. None of this will do you a damn bit of good when you’re reckless with your personal safety.(don’t walk into biker bars and scream pusses’ and then take them all on ok this would be bad if you had plans to do it then stop and don’t. But if I can’t talk you out of it then find the smallest bikie gang with the most grannies and do it there make sure they are not all wearing adult nappies it might get stinky real fast) There is something going on with you and it’s compelling you to throw caution to the wind. The next 30 days are like a field of hidden holy water mines. Caution is your watchword. Wear a condom to bed just in case . Wear sunscreen (well there you go why the hell are you planning to go outside in daylight). Wear panties with a cotton lining. The best advice my mom ever gave me was "Keep your panties on!" and that goes doubly well for Scorpios this month. You'll have more opportunity than usual to get into a pickle, so keep your eyes open for well-lit emergency exits.
Lucky number is as many as you can get on a bed
Lucky colour orange
Lucky Saying ‘there is always room for one more’
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The best way to get rid of a Sag is to start telling them exactly what to do.(no this is not a master/mistress thing. Get your heads out of the gutter people) seeing as I have already alienated for sure the Libras and Aries and Aquarius folks. I want Sags not to change a thing! Except... wow, ya'll. Don't you ever WANT to plan obsessively like the Cappies and Cancers and Virgos do? Long term stalking, planning the death of an enemy or just long term poking fun of another vampire is so much fun. How about a plan to seduce the one you want) You don't have to get all Excel spreadsheety on us or anything. But you could try to make a list, maybe, pros and cons of your latest greatest good idea or dark undertaking?
Lucky number is 181
Lucky colour is black
Lucky saying ‘C is for cookie’
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Summer is the season of freckles, sand, warm nights and blazing hot romantic romps.(or a hawt hard bit of sex on the battle field is not bad eitherjsut don’t spash holy water near anything you don’t want sizzled )(well a romp on the beach is fun long as you don’t get sand in your simmers or places swimmers should be) Well, that’s what Cosmo says, anyway(not that i would read such mags). I was drawing up your stars for May...and June... and even July (!!!) and all those “Shocking Sexy Summer Stories” in Cosmo are true. hawt romance hawt girls and guys in kinky positions just for you! You’re a regular little love machine.(who would have guessed and love machine nope lust machine yes) When you walk, are you accompanied by the faint sound of “Foxy Lady/guy” playing in the background? You will find folks ready to fling off their clothes at a moment's notice?
Lucky number is 69
Lucky colour is tan
Lucky saying is ‘you want to go again, hmm damn yum’